losing grip real quickly
today, it was not so subtley implied that i'm not quite doing a good job of being a htc. apparently, t3 is a class that 'works in factions' but hey, we're happy this way yeah? i mean, you can't please everyone. i don't know if it really is my fault that some people just skip school. can i really change their minds? can i stop them? do i have that power? even if in my 'job scope' it says so, is it all just fake? i mean, i'm just a student, like everyone else, and i'm supposed to be responsible for the welfare and actions of each and every member of t3? gosh guys, make my life easier please. all i can do really is set an example, and trust that at 17(or 18) you have the responsibility in you to follow it.
also, pw is in shambles. apparently, our group lacks unity, and again it's my fault, because i'm (in a figurehead matter of saying) the group leader. i say figurehead because bern just made me feel lousy today. coming out, saying stuff, organizing everything. do you understand how rarely i feel a spark of confidence, and how easily it is that i fall? guys, SPEAK UP for goodness sake, because i wouldn't know that you two hadn't a clue what we were on about, or didn't agree to it. THIS IS IMPORTANT and the real reason everything's coming apart is because you don't want to say ANYTHING and it's so frustrating. then i feel guilty and like i've let everyone down.
full of myself, ms fernandez? FULL OF MYSELF? i hardly trust myself anymore.
and you, shut the fuck up because you don't know how hard things are now. so maybe i don't have your brains, and your intelligence and organisational skills. maybe i appear to lack motivation. i thought i proved myself, but i was wrong. i'm trying so very hard to put things back in place and you pressurise to the point where i can't turn anywhere else but, yah. it seems to be the only where i don't have to meet any expectations, or answer to anyone. but God.
ming, bev, andrea, pris, dazz, zehra. the girls. i need you all real bad.
jon. arghh. how can i not be a burden to you? tell me, please.
t3. HELP. prove her wrong. she doesn't see how hard we work.
mum. gahhhhhhhhhhhh.